Recipes for Living Shelly Thomas

This year I will be forty years old, and I am thinking about all the surprises life has had for me. For one thing, I always thought as I reached different milestones, I would suddenly change into somebody else. That, of course, never happened. I am the same person I was when I was ten, just having different experiences. My little sister, the bane of my life, particularly in my adolescent years, has become my best friend. The job I rebelled against turned out to give me a viewpoint I use every day of my life, and the lowest grade I ever got in any subject ended up being my chosen career. That's my story.

I was born in Louisville, Kentucky in 1965. That was a time when little girls grew up to be nurses, secretaries, teachers, or mommies. That was what they were supposed to do, but I never knew that. I was raised believing that the only limits I had were ones I gave myself. I even had an astronaut suit! My sister, Shannon, was born in 1970. This was terribly exciting to me. She was the living doll I could help care for. I was the "big sister," like my mom had been before me. The excitement wore off, however, when Shannon was big enough to tag along after me. I would hear, "Include your sister," whenever I left our house. We enjoyed telling on each other, as most siblings do, which made her presence a little less than desired.

I started first grade at Stiver's Elementary. At the end of the year, my parents were asked if they would like me to be moved up a grade or go into a new advanced program they could offer. It was a different school that required a bus to ride to and from. I chose the advanced program because those children could do things that were not available to kids in regular school.

Then I attended St. Matthews Elementary. The very first day, I met Lisa Harbolt, a year older than I. We met at the bus stop and became good friends. We are still in contact and I see her whenever I go to Kentucky. Since she was eleven, she has promised to visit me some day, but she's never made it. Having three boys has probably added to the complication of her coming. However, Lisa is one of the wonderful memories I have of those days.

I also remember in second grade, we talked about a million, and the teachers had us draw a million. There were twenty kids and we each had to do 50,000 dots. We started with stars but that took way too long, so we did dots. When we had a thousand, we made a circle around it, and by the time we had a million, our paper encompassed the entire room. We could see how big a number a million really was. A later project was studying the life cycle of the fruit fly. Each of us had a vial on our desk with fruit flies in them. One night somebody went into our room and opened every vial. That closed the school for two days because it had to be fumigated.

In the 1970s, my parents, Sue and Bill Fitzgerald, became involved in a self-help program called the Inner Peace Movement, and with that we traveled to Iowa - Osceola, Iowa. We also went to Pennsylvania and Texas, where we met a lot of interesting people. In the program, my parents took courses at Americana College. I was involved in a young peoples' program called Operation Action. Basically, we did the cooking, cleaning, and chores. That was one of the neat parts of the program. It wasn't that we had to do the cooking, cleaning, chores, farming, and gardening. We got to do them. That way we were involved in a lot of different experiences than we would otherwise have had. In Pennsylvania, they had bottle calves, and I got to feed the calves, which I thought was the best thing in the world. The program had some interesting ideas, a lot of things I've carried through and used all my life.

Some of the principles I learned in the program have been presented to me in many different ways. They taught me, for instance, how to communicate with people. I learned to recognize types of people and how best to help them understand what I want to show them.

Some, for instance, learn best if they see something - they are visionary; for others they understand best if their feelings are aroused, etc. We are not all the same, and it is helpful to recognize the differences when dealing with people.

In 1977 or '78, my parents divorced and my mother moved to Osceola to work and live at the campgrounds north of town. She managed two motels, Americana North and Americana South. I came with Mom and started eighth grade in Osceola. I was involved in the program for about a year, and was a little rebellious from the fact that, after school, when my friends were going off to eat French fries, I had to go do the books for the motels. I didn't think it was right that I had to work and my parents had to pay for me to work, when they should be paying me. They politely asked me to leave.

I went down to Kentucky for about six months and lived with my dad. I went to Moore High School in Louisville. That was probably one of the biggest shocks I have ever had in my life. I had been in elementary in Louisville, but not in high school. There were as many kids in the ninth grade as in the entire school system in Clarke County. It was a totally different atmosphere. I lived with Dad until the end of the semester, when I came back and stayed with Mom. She quit the Inner Peace Movement, got her own apartment, worked at Leisure Manor, and did nursing at the hospital.

I missed only one semester at Clarke. It was interesting coming back. I was taking science in Kentucky, and I took the same class when I came back. It was nothing like we were doing in Kentucky. Here it was the periodic table of elements, real science stuff, and there it was static electricity - totally different. It was a real adjustment to catch up in my science class, which I loved. I also loved my teacher, Butch Mason. I thought he was great!

There was another adjustment in typing, which I was flunking. I came up here, retook the class and got a C, which was still the worst grade I ever got in high school. I was a smart, straight A student, but I suppose the problem was I hated typing and thought I'd never use it. My ambition was not to be somebody's secretary so I had no need to know how to type. This was pretty ironic because now I type all day every day as I work on computers. It wasn't until my senior year in high school that we had a chance to play with computers, which our math teacher, Frank Riley, had in the classroom.

I enjoyed school and knew I was going to college but had no clue what for. However, in the last semester of my last year I decided I would go into computers. My grandparents were very concerned with my choice of a career. They sent me a letter from their home in Florida, enclosing a clipping that said a computer monitor puts out rays, and sitting in front of it all day could make you sterile. In spite of that, they did support me and paid for my books all the way through college.

I attended Southwestern Community College (SWCC) for two years, and earned my associates degree in Computer Science. During that time I worked at Pizza Hut, Fareway, and HyVee. I loved every job I had. To me, it is all about people. I enjoyed working with people, and being of service, whether it was waiting on tables or showing somebody where the Sweet 'n Low was located.

I remember one time at HyVee, the man who created the company and was company president, Dwight Vredenburg, and his wife came. They were probably in their 70s, and took their station at the check-out counter, greeting customers, and picking up bags for people. I kept walking over and taking the bags away from Mrs. Vredenburg, not realizing she was doing what she wanted to do. It was automatic for me to do that, and I had to keep apologizing. It was obvious that she enjoyed the work and being of service to people, as did I.

While I was attending Southwestern, I met Sirkku Nuttero. She was an exchange student from Finland. At the end of the year, she was going home for the summer, and she asked if I would like to go home with her to visit her country. It was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. I spent six weeks in countries where I didn't speak the language. It was really interesting trying to order off a menu! I ate reindeer meat, and saw them run free. They had tall pine trees that reached to the sky. I helped milk cows on a dairy farm where Sirkku worked. I enjoyed a sauna - then a quick jump in very cold water.

I even took a cruise ship to Sweden, and shopped the quaint brick streets. I toured castles and saw landmarks that had been there long before America became a country. And I learned how different societies are. Early in my stay, I saw Sirkku's dad walk naked into the backyard to get more wood for the sauna. That was perfectly normal there - as was sun tanning in the nude. But the people don't touch one another. I hugged Sirkku's parents during my stay, only to learn that it wasn't an appropriate thing to do. Oops! As different as we may be, we are also the same. I met lots of very nice people. They all wanted to know what America was like. It made me appreciate my home.

After I finished my two years at Southwestern, I still didn't know what I wanted to do, so I went to Graceland College in Lamoni for two years. I majored in computer science and Information Technologies with a minor in Business. It was a wonderful learning experience but I think the most interesting was a required religion course. Not surprisingly, most class members were of the Mormon faith. They had perspectives different from the ones I knew about, even though, as I was growing up we attended a variety of churches - Presbyterian, Baptist, Episcopalian, and the Unity School of Christianity. With most of them there were some similarities, but I remember one time going to a Baptist revival, after which our father set us down to correct some of the misconceptions we might have picked up from being told for two hours that we were sinners and lower than the worms of the earth. He assured us that we were good people, and we needed to believe in ourselves. The only other thing I remember about that exposure was the Baptists girls I ran around with painted their fingernails blue. I thought that was so bizarre.

Philosophy was another requirement. That was mind-boggling to me because I would read a piece and totally agree. Then I would read the next one, which completely contradicted the first one, and totally agree with it, too. I would tell myself, "You can't do that. You can't believe both ways." It was an interesting way to help us stretch the way we think.

While I was at Graceland, I had a student job doing data entry for the college development department. I sat in front of a data terminal, in a very small room that I would consider a closet, and made address changes. They sent out hundreds of letters and got back ones which were not deliverable. So every day I would sit down with this stack of address changes to be made and key for two hours at a time. I'd stop and go to a class, come back and key some more. I did a lot of reflecting, because if that was what computers were about, I didn't want any part of it. I needed more people involvement. I was so frustrated that I almost changed my major. I didn't know what change to make, but anything else looked more appealing than this.

However, I graduated cum laude from Graceland in 1988 with my computer science degree and ended up getting a systems analyst job with them. That was fun because I worked with managers of departments. They would tell me what they wanted; I would go back with student workers and write programs to provide whatever it was. We worked on a mainframe and set up to track things - everything from who could park where, to what you ate for lunch, to who got which dorm room - generally organizing the college as far as computers were concerned. That use of computers, to make them do the things people need, made sense!

During that time, I met my ex-husband, and after working at the college for five years, I quit. I was about 27 years old. My biological clock was ticking, and I felt I needed to hurry up and start a family. About six months later, I was pregnant with Joe. We needed more income, so I started teaching at Southwestern Community College, which I intended to do for a short term to have a little pocket money, but I've taught ever since. I found teaching to be a wonderful, fulfilling experience, whether I was teaching students to write a program, or teaching people to send an e-mail. I was giving people tools to better their lives and for me that was real enjoyment - being of ultimate service.

Joe was born in November 1993, and unfortunately his father and I divorced in 1994, so I was on my own, a single parent. I admit I had some fears to deal with. I remember when my niece was born; I was scared to death of her. One time I tried to change her clothes and was terrified that I would break her arms trying to put them in the sleeves of her garments. The family thought it was so hilarious, they camcorded me.

I hadn't overcome that fear when Joe was born. He was early and had to stay in the hospital under light. There was a really sweet nurse who asked me, when she was ready to give Joe his bath, if I wanted to do it. I said, "I want you to give him a bath, but I need to watch to see how it is done. I have no idea." This was pretty ridiculous because my ex-husband and I rented a farm, and had bottle cows, sheep - which meant bottle lambs - pigs, ducks, geese, rabbits, turkeys, guineas, chickens, a horse, dog, cats - every animal I could possibly find and I loved them all and loved caring for them. However, when I had Joe, it was totally different, although having him was so much more than I hoped. As he grew and changed from infant to toddler and up, every age I kept thinking was the best, because there was something new about every age and about everything he did. He was so smart. Early on, he learned his numbers and knew his colors. I just fawned over him - he was just so much fun to be with.

I experienced the stage we parents go through when we realize we've lost our identity. When Joe started to school, I was no longer Shelly Thomas. I became "Joe's mom," and that's okay. I do enjoy that. I've been involved with his class since pre-school. I went to visit a few times during the year, accompanied the class on field trips, and things like that. So I've known the kids who are now in fifth grade since they were pre-schoolers.

I must say there is a wonderful quality about the Murray school - it is family and community oriented. There is a lot of security in that. In pre-school, all the class came to Solutions, which was the start of many field trips to our store. From the time they were four, they have been learning things their parents didn't know about computers. It is interesting that I gave the same presentation to them that I gave to my beginning computer class of adults, some 55 and older. We discussed things a little differently, but the same concept was there, such as talking about the brain of the computer, terminology we use with each group. Before they had computers in the classroom, there was a lady who came with a computer once a month and the kids could play on it. They had a term to learn every month, and one of Joe's terms in pre-school was "multimedia." There are adults today who couldn't tell what the word multimedia means, so his life is completely different from past generations. His generation has been immersed in computers since Day One.

When Joe was 18 months old, he and I played games on the computer at the library in Murray. The librarian says, "I'll never forget the day when Joe came in and turned on the computer and was ready to play 'Grandma and Me,' or something." She remembers because adults would come in and say, "How do I turn this on? What do I do?" Joe would walk in, climb in a chair and be ready to go, at age two! So it is a different world for them.

When Joe was ready for Scouts, I went to their first meeting and nobody volunteered to be a Den Mother, so what's the problem? I'd be a Den Mother, but I went into it not having a clue what it was all about. And I discovered I was really on my own. There was a book to follow but it wasn't a lot of help with the meetings, which I had in mind would be bi-weekly, but one mother said there was so much to learn, we needed to meet weekly. I worked out a schedule, and sent it home for the parents. Each was to choose one activity for a Cub Scout meeting during a three month span. None of them could find 45 minutes to do a Cub Scout presentation in three months, so I had five little boys and sometimes a little girl to do activities with. We had tons of fun. They came to my house and baked cookies, which they ate. We took tin cans and put strings on them, just stuff they could make and play with. They made little wooden cars for the race, and this got Kent involved - it was a guy thing. Kent's car won second place in the adult division, and Joe's car won first place in his. I did that for a year and then Joe didn't want to do it anymore, so we quit.

In May 2001, Kent Thomas and I were married. We had been living together for five years. We had both had unsuccessful marriages and weren't anxious to go through that again. But we learned in 2000 that his father, Wayne, had Alzheimer’s, and we wanted to be married while he knew what was happening. It has been a tough road. Wayne went to the nursing home in November 2004. That was a relief for us. Wayne and Donna lived on a farm north of Murray (operated now by Kent's brother, Scott), but we were concerned for her being out there trying to care for Wayne alone. And in a way it was a relief for Donna, but terribly difficult for her, too. There are ups and downs. It has been a challenge to get the medication balanced. When he is over-medicated, he sleeps. He has lost a lot of weight. As difficult as it is to see him in the Alzheimer’s wing, Kent goes every day, makes sure his dad eats his supper, feeds him if he needs to be fed, and gets him tucked into bed. It is something to see the way he cares for him and his family, to watch Kent tuck his father into bed, and tell him he loves him. It is such a hard road for Kent and his mom, but I am so proud of him for the way they are handling it.

I visit out there a lot and find myself enjoying the people, as I guess I do in every situation. There are all kinds of interesting people in that unit. It is almost like a fantasy land. Every night one fellow eats his dinner and wants to pay for it. Why not? They try to tell him it is free and he can't believe it is free. He tries to arrange for a ride home and they tell him he is going to spend the night. He accepts that and tries to rent the room so every night they write him a ticket for the room. He is so sweet and does his best to be responsible. It takes so little to make the residents in that unit happy- holding somebody’s hand, for instance. It is such a rewarding feeling for me to let them know they are important. That's a basic need everybody has, so I am glad to do that.

That is getting far ahead of the story. While I was teaching at Southwestern, I met a lady named Bonnie Waugh. She was taking my beginning computer class and was so impressed that I could help her create a word document or whatever we were doing. She said, "You need to meet my boss. We all need training, my boss doesn't have time to do it, and you could help us at Decatur County Hospital learn to use our computers better." I made an appointment with her and went down. I met Susan Dutrey, and she and I hit it off immediately. She hired me to work on a part-time basis to do training and we created a new position, Director of Information Systems for the hospital. I repaired computers as needed, and basically was doing the same as I had been doing on my own as a consultant on a little different scale. I made sure their computers were working, and that the operators knew how to use them to their fullest extent.

In November 1998, Sue lost her daughter in a car accident. That had a traumatic impact on all of us. She quit her hospital job, and started working with us full-time. It changed the operation for awhile, but in a good way. Heather quit, we moved the store from the square to the business area along highway 34 west, and brought in Rita in 2000. She worked with us a couple years, and lost her son. Twice we went through the grieving process of people who lost their children. That is the most horrible thing that I think can happen. It changes who you are, or at least it changes your outlook. Things are never the same. The sky is never again as bright, you always are more aware of mortality. It was a challenge for all of us to deal twice with the grieving process.

It has made Joe even more important in my life, although I have always been a part of his. After pre-school and Cub Scouts, he went on to T-ball, and in the second year I was asked if I'd like to be a board member. Sure. I'm still on the board, even though Joe is in fifth grade. I love Little League. I love watching the boys play and hearing them cheer one another on. I love it that after the game they say, ''Did you see the hit that (so and so) had? Wasn't that great?!" I love the team work, the boys' self-esteem being built and reinforced.

There was the family feeling of all of us working together. One year I ran the concession stand. Sure, there is hard work, and there are some attitudes I am not crazy about, but it is important to see everybody pitching in, and to be able to serve in a way we can provide for our kids. There were 80 kids involved in the Murray Summer Ball Program last year, and I just read the numbers - we have 102 signed up this year. Joe is still emerging into who he will become. Now he's growing toward his teenage years. That might not be the best part, but we're not there yet, so it, too, may be the best.

Additionally, I've picked up another interest: In 2002, I went to hear a speaker at the high school. I was the speaker to small groups but the main speaker talked to the kids about their careers, finding their passion, following their dream, and you can do whatever you want to do. He was a wonderfully upbeat speaker and I really took to heart what he said. I talked to kids about a career in computer science and all the things they could do with that degree. I went home, reread his book, and thought about it a lot. His recommendation for how to be happy in life is: find what you really love to do and go do it. He recommended volunteering somewhere or finding a small job. You don't have to start in your field, or at a top level position. Work your way up.

I took that seriously. I have always loved to garden, to get my hands in the dirt, so that spring I went to our local greenhouse and asked if I could help pull weeds. I worked my way into helping at the greenhouse. I didn't know Donna O'Neill at all. I'd shopped there a few times and when I first asked to help, she didn't believe me. I went back again when she was pulling weeds and started pulling weeds with her. When I left, I asked if I could come back and she agreed. So I went and watered plants and discovered all these wonderful varieties. I'd known what a petunia was, but she had lots of interesting perennials and lots of crafts she had made. She was a really cool person.

That progressed to my going on a regular basis, and I got to go on field trips with her to Kansas City to pick out new things for the shop. She took me to great big greenhouses where there were growers who had about ten million plants. It was so amazing to see all these flowers and colors! I even got to pick out plants to sell! For me there is a time when it is great to be with people, and there are other times to self-reflect away from people. That happens to me when I am around flowers and in the quiet of the greenhouse. I get so much pleasure and enjoyment from it! As we worked, occasionally I would say, "Could I have this one plant? This will be my pay for the day." So I now have quite a collection of plants and perennials in my yard. She's given me so many ideas about planting and crafting.

At Christmas I watched her make things. She handed me a glue gun, which I'd never used before, and I glued little beads on sleighs, and made tree ornaments. I hung one and the very next lady who came in bought my ornament! That started something! To think I could create something that somebody would buy was unbelievable! I think I was more excited about that than when we started Solutions. My crafting has gone from appliquéing sweatshirts to forming concrete into leaves for bird baths, making bird feeders, and I've gotten into sphagnum moss-covered furniture. I've made scarecrows doing somersaults, garden ladies, and all those things. I made angels at Christmas, and find that when I have a few minutes, I can turn any which way because I have about four crafts going at once. Now when I look through a magazine and see something, I think, "I could make that!" and I get so excited. It is a new experience. I always thought I was left-brained - great in math and science but otherwise not talented. I had evidence that I wasn't gifted with making things. One time I made a dress in Home Ec and got a B on it, but I'd look at it and see that I screwed up here, and I screwed up there - I used it the next summer to wax the car.

That is not the case with my "little sister," who now lives in Indianola. She was the creative one in the family. She could paint and draw and do all that. And she has gone from being someone I was required to include, the little sister who always tagged along, to being smart and direct and funny - a true joy to be with, and my very best friend. I moved out of the house when I was 17, and after that we didn't have much to do with each other. We had Christmases and birthdays together, and we talked, and when she became pregnant before I did, I felt lost. I could no longer provide the "big sister" advice. She was entering territories I knew nothing about. It wasn't until I was divorced in '94 that we culminated a relationship. We now have a lot in common. We have our history, we both have kids, we both have busy lives, and we have each other.

We take off for annual adventures, leave the kids at home with the guys while we go shop, visit our Dad, who is still in Kentucky and our great-aunt in Indianapolis on her birthday. We have done that since she turned 90. She is now 94 and still in her own home. We leave a day early so we can shop. We have that little weekend with just the two of us and the best thing is the 24 hours to talk in the car. There isn't a silent moment the entire time. We bounce ideas off one another and really enjoy one another's company. No matter what happens, Shannon and I would stick together and we'd be just fine. We have a great time.

Joe and I have such a great time that he deserves a section all his own. He has been a blessing! He gave me a reason to improve my life when my marriage failed and it felt like the world was crumbling around me. Daily he gives me a fresh outlook on life. We have learned so much together. We learned that driving and reading Dr. Seuss at the same time is not a good idea (I almost got a ticket over that one). We learned that birthday cake is not safe on the top of the refrigerator (it can still be slid off to the floor by a two-year old). We learned that, if not carefully wrapped, dry ice will disappear before the science fair.

He gives me a new perspective on what my parents used to say to me. They called me "Molasses," I guess because I didn't do what they wanted fast enough. Now I understand. They also told me three dreaded words, "Save Your Money," and I completely understand that one now, too.

Joe LOVES to talk. One day we were driving to Osceola. He started to tell me what he had dreamt the previous night. He talked the entire ten minutes to Osceola! He finished his story at the Interstate exit - almost to Osceola. I just turned to him and said, "Would you tell me that story again?" We both laughed.

I am new at this parenting thing. One time, when he was about nine, Joe asked me what whore meant. My mother always told me that if I was big enough to ask the question, I was big enough to know the answer, so I explained the definition of a prostitute. He looked at me and said, ''Did you know that in the desert, they whore the water?" At that moment, I realized with much chagrin that he meant HOARD! I hope he wasn't scarred too much!

Recently, he learned another important lesson. He loved to take his kite out on a windy day, letting it go higher and higher. But one day, he discovered that when the string ran out, it was not attached to the spool. He ran several blocks and recovered the kite. On the way home, he attached the string to a fence so he would have his hands free to climb over. The string broke and again he had to chase the kite. When he got home, he attached the kite to some fishing line. That worked great until it ran to the end of the spool. This time the kite was beyond retrieval. He walked into the house and exclaimed, "Doesn't anyone attach anything to anything anymore!"

Joe has plans for being a chiropractor, stand-up comic, and computer support person. He loves to be in the salesperson role, for a yard sale, lemonade stand, at Solutions, or at the Watering Can. He doesn't know a stranger and it is apparent he has that consideration for others. He has so much potential! He can do anything he desires, and we both believe that.

My life has been full of wonderful people and many learning experiences. My GreatAunt Peg tells me that this July, when I turn 40, my life will begin. So I am looking forward to the best part.